Hurts and Healings of a Wounded Soul By Sis Alecz Esma

When I started looking at others as a reflection of myself, I realized that we are all the same; we are all made up of the same stardust, yet, shaped by our individual experiences. I, too, walked some dark shadows of life since my younger years. My 24 years presented an array of people to forgive; they come in varied colors—from pitiful abusers and cheaters, to a pack of little users. The empty promises and false hopes tied with bullies along my way, and the salty fact of never knowing how a father embraces a daughter were a handful of my dimmest regrets. Plus, being physically abused by someone remained the hardest thing to swallow.

Looking back over the past couple of years, I was emotionally wounded, sometimes unbeknownst to the achievers. It felt like no amount of apology will correct these wrongs; no words will wipe off the tear stains on my bed. There have been regrets over those learning events, but still, joys and many lessons graced my life; many questions still linger— the mystery no longer baits my inner mind to uncover the secrets that will still sting me as a person.

I reflected on what I've seen, and where I have been— I surely made poor choices, and failed. Hard as it may really seem, these failures stood as my motivation as I breathe in the clean hope of a better future.

I surrender myself in making better choices this time. I have learned to accept how things turned out because only then I could focus, and move forward. Yes— forgiveness and acceptance. I know I am not perfect; I also hurt others in ways I do not really intend. I once became a person spreading anger and vacancies in someone’s life by spitting judgments and hatred, and I feel sorry for having done such. I know I am doing it tenfold onto myself; I caused pain because I am in pain.

Forgiveness just came later after I swallowed the bitter pills of life. I came to realize that love can work in the same way as hate. By being loving, compassionate, and by understanding human nature, I can help (or HEAL) my own inner demons. I have to forgive myself, too in order to let go and move forth. A lot of us may have similar struggles; we definitely have f***ed up in some way. Despite of that, we deserve our forgiveness. We tend to give too much emphasis on our egos, but that is a trait of a poor spirit. Forgiving is not a sign of defeat, but victory over self-indulgence. I choose to forgive, to let go of my shame, to be a better me for the people I love. Forgiveness doesn't mean what they did is okay; forgiveness simply means I am choosing serenity over resentment.

Today I'm willing to humble myself before God, willing to repent, willing to learn and willing to change for the better. I am forever grateful to God who pulled me through everything, and for digging me up from the mud I was once into.

“Forgive, Let go and let God”

-Currently meditating on bringing more love and forgiveness into my own world, with hopes that it will spread. AJAE (15-10-17)